Why Humanity Needs To Colonize Mars

Let’s face it: reality TV has become stale; Mars offers a whole new level of horror and degradation

I used to think the idea of colonizing Mars was brain-dead stupid. What would be the point of spending billions of dollars just to build a tremendously fragile billionaire’s panic room on the red planet?

But then I realized: it’s actually a fabulous idea. Reality TV on Earth is played out. We’re bored with small groups of people shut away in artificial environments for a few short weeks where the worst that happens is shouting and insults. We’re bored with celebrity chefs screaming abuse at terrified employees. Ennui creeps over us as we watch contestants competing for love, promotion, or a new pacemaker.

We need something new.

Mars offers the ideal solution. Firstly, the six-month voyage inside a cramped spaceship is ideal for all kinds of personal disputes and hatreds to develop. Plus, who doesn’t want to see someone’s poop floating around in zero-G?

If we’re super lucky, something will go wrong and everyone will die. Ideally slowly at first, spread out over two or three episodes, and then a big explosion right at the end to seal the deal (or unseal the airlock). But if we don’t get lucky, the poor saps will reach Mars and then the real fun begins.

First of all, they’ll need to make underground bunkers because otherwise all the lovely solar radiation that’s been shredding their DNA during the six month voyage will continue to shred them and they’ll all be dead from cancer in a few short years. Which is not good, because we may want to extend the series if the ratings on the first two or three are sufficiently encouraging.

As they build their concrete homes-to-be we can watch them having industrial accidents, getting sicker from having to work on the surface for hours each day and being bombarded by more of that lovely solar radiation, and finally succeeding in building their gloomy cramped artificial caves. This is guaranteed to make the surviving colonists even more irritable, which will lead to spectacular fights. Personally I hope we get some hand-to-hand combat with sharp objects because that would really push up the viewing figures.

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